Serious thoughts (morose semi-drunk ramblings)

I just spent the last 10 minutes in the room with my daughter - she woke up whimpering and holding her tummy. Took about 10 minutes of love and a shot of Tylenol to settle her back down. It's amazing and scary how much I love that little girl.

It scares me because I fear I'm over investing in her because she's all I have. I'm the only parent with a hope of not smothering the hell out of her, so she can't afford for me to be this way too.

I'm at about the worst place I've ever been in the self worth department. I'm fatter than I've ever been, I feel trapped and hopeless in the job I'm at - it pays the bills at this point, but it's still a job, not a career. I'm a (almost)35 year old working a job, not a career. And it pays the bills now, but kid number 2 is en route and they are both going to need so much when they get older, and I want to be that parent who can actually provide that. I don't hate it, if i did it would be easier, but I don't see it growing the way I need it to grow to keep up with my family. And the wife is mean every time I have to work and evening or weekend, which then puts me in a "chose work or chose family" mode which just makes me miserable.

Problem is I've stopped even looking for a new job as I can't even muster up the feeling to invest myself in anther 30 minute long prepping of an resume and answering the same stupid questions for the federal government in a pointless attempt at getting to the ever loving interview stage, which if i pass that will actually get me into a pool, which if someone sees something of worth in there they will then interview me from that pool. I got into two pools, and had a real job interview for both, and failed both, and i have to admit it really knocked me down. I know, I know, suck it up champ, get back in the game, keep trying, insert other pathetic platitudes here (as long as they come with the music from Rocky 4 and i can scream DRAGO at the end, then sure, I'm in). I don't know what happened. I used to have energy and will to keep trying at least, but those last two interviews that i didn't get the job really did something inside, and I can't seem to fix it. But there's the rub - i can't seem to find the motivation to try to fix it. I'm not even trying to fix the problem, so how can i say I can't fix it? This then increases my own self loathing, which then makes me even less likely to try and fix it, and round and round we go in a whirlpool of laziness and self loathing and all these other jumbled up crappy emotions.

I can't tell if the relationship problems with the wife are feeding this cycle, or if this cycle is feeding the relationship problems. We are barely civil at this point most days. She's pregnant and sick and expects me to do all the house stuff, and I'm finding it so hard to even muster up any caring for that. It's not like I ever feel like I did a good thing - I can do 95% of what she wants done, and she'll bitch about the last 5%, so why not stop at 50% and get the same bitching while at least deserving it in my own mind? It's so hard to figure out if she's right, or I'm right, or if it's some grey muddy answer in the middle. Lazy thinking would indicate the answer is in the middle, but the small part of me that is self righteous really doesn't think I'm not doing my share.

I noticed that I looked like shit today at work. I've got bags and wrinkles coming in around my eyes, and those really bothered me. Abnormally much - i can't really put my finger consciously on what upset me so much. My eye's looked much older than I think i should be.

I see a possible escape, but I'm to scared to take it. I need to quit my job. I would then have no choice, and some time, to look for something better. But what if i didn't find better? What if i actually downgraded and ended up seeing my daughter less than i do now? Is it worth the gamble? What if i make it worse trying to make it better. I don't want to make Aurora's live worse by trying to make it better. At this point I really don't care about liking my job, I've given up on that. I just want to make enough money to support this family properly.

People do this with far less, and I have no idea how. hat's off to them. It really is true the more you make the more you want, so maybe I just need to shut it down.

It's late, I'm tired and my loyal followers (snicker) are bored to death by this point (actually by about lets say 9 paragraphs ago) so I'd better depart. I promise to try and post something funny or at least controversial tomorrow instead of whining about my problems. Don't give up on the blog. Even daring to whine about my life just makes me feel worse - I've got it so sweet compared to most, shut the hell up and be happy you stupid shit. I swear, I need a partial lobotomy. I'm too smart to be content, but not smart enough to figure a way out, and that's just a dangerous combination.